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How To Prepare & Clean Up Porridge & Oatmeal With Ease

Updated: Jan 23, 2023

Preparing Porridge & Oatmeal


In the UK, porridge is often sold in 1kg bags and it's very easy to make in bulk for sploshing sessions. For a ten litres of porridge, use a 12 or 14 litre bucket but only put 10 litres into it so that you have room for stirring without spilling. You'll need two of those 1kg bags of oats, mixed with boiling water (or very near boiling) for 90 seconds. This thickens it, hence only needing two bags.


However, you need to allow a minimum of three hours for the resulting porridge to cool down enough to use, otherwise it will be at best uncomfortable or at worst, scalding and burn you. Porridge holds the heat for a long time, so please be careful.


If you want to save time and mix your oats with warm water instead, you'll need more oats. You have to thicken by sheer volume of oats. Use three of the bags, so 3kg oats and stir for three minutes to make it creamy. Don't do it with cold water, it will take forever to get any creaminess.


​No milk is needed, only water, and you don't need to boil it on the stove.


Method

Whether using very hot or just warm water, I measure and put the water in the bucket first and then stir the oats in gradually, keeping the water swirling the whole time. Stir for as long as needed, about 60 to 90 seconds for very hot water, 3 minutes for warm.






Cleaning Up Porridge & Oatmeal



Body, Hair & Skin



For short haired people


It shouldn't be too much of a problem to wash oats out of short hair - just use lots of lemon or tea tree shampoo, maybe wash your hair twice and comb through with conditioner if there are any bits or you just want to be sure.


For longer hair


Stand under the water and let the water rinse the worst off. Use your hands to run over your head and down the length of your hair to feel where the worst is, and encourage it along by gently, very gently, massaging it out. Once the worst is gone, shampoo twice. Do this gently, and be careful not to scrub it into your hair, rather just keep smoothing it down and gently work it in with fingertips. You don’t want to give yourself split ends, knots and a bird's nest.


While your hair is wet you may not be able to feel all leftover oats, so it’s best to just presume you do have some left and proceed with these instructions regardless, even if you can’t feel anything weird.


So now, after the initial rinse and shampooing, apply lots of conditioner and use a WIDE toothed comb to go through it - don’t try to comb through with a normal comb. Be patient, let conditioner soak into your hair for a while if need be, then methodically use the wide toothed comb starting at the ENDS first and working up to roots. Then rise the whole lot off and shampoo again, and condition again if needed.


If you still have porridge oats in your hair after this...


Don’t worry! As long as you complete the previous steps, all the sticky goo will be gone and when your hair is dry, any remaining telltale oats will simply brush out - no problem! You might want to stand on a towel to brush your hair to catch the dry oats, or have the hoover handy though!


This advice also applies to body hair and pubic hair, by the way, though that tends to be easier to see and deal with.


Skin

It shouldn't be too difficult to remove porridge from your skin. I highly recommend those plastic loofahs or bath puffs, made of scrunched up plastic mesh for removing any mess from skin, or a soft bristled body brush. Add lots of warm water and shower gel or soap.


I recommend having a mirror within your line of sight in the bathroom so you can visually check for any missed areas. Common areas I used to miss were backs of arms, flanks, backs of legs and ankles. Always check every single crevice of your ears too!


Pro tip - give the mirror a very thin coating of washing up liquid to stop it fogging up in the steam of the bathroom. Use just a drop on some kitchen paper and wipe it over the mirror.





Cleaning Porridge Off Items & Objects



Cleaning Baths, Showers & Drains


If you get messy in the bath it may temporarily or even fully block the drain if you don't remove it first. Porridge is pretty bad offender for this. Many things are fine to get washed straight down, like custard, smooth gunge and slube. Other items are water soluble, like syrups and treacle and just need warm water to help them dissolve and vanish. Messysupplies instant slime just needs salt to dissolve it. Porridge will need to be emptied out though.


The way I recommend, no matter what the substance is, is to empty as much out as you can and flush it down the loo instead (unless you're on a septic tank system. I have separate advice for that)


To empty the bath you'll need a dustpan or scoop, or just your bare hands, and get everything into buckets. Then see my section below on flushing things down the loo or septic tanks, whatever is applicable to you. 


Avoid That Situation...


I recommend using a different area and a pool, a mat with inflatable sides or makeshift mess nest (heavy grade plastic sheets with towels propping up the sides) rather than the bath, as though baths and showers may seem convenient, it then means you have to clean it out first before you can get yourself clean. 


If you use a different area, you can get yourself clean, get into some comfy cleaning up clothes and then tackle your messy area. 


If the worst happens and you get a blockage, use some drain unfucker. Otherwise known as Mr Muscle 15 or 30 minute unblocker. You can pour it through standing water and leave it, and it will eat through whatever is clogging the drain. I always keep some handy, just in case!




Cleaning Or Trashing Inflatable Pools


If you want to clean and save the pool


My general pool cleaning advice applies. Scoop it up into buckets, watering it down and mixing it around to thin it if need be. Then tip it down the drain or flush it down the loo. (unless you have a septic tank, then follow separate advice further down)


Then tip a bucket of warm soapy water into your pool, and give it a good scrub around with a brush. Now scoop all that out too, and tip it away or flush the water. Keep the pool inflated the whole time, and clean the sides of the pool with a few microfibre cloths, a soft brush and a cleaning spray. Then with it still inflated, stand it up against a wall and use the cleaning spray and cloths all over it.


Dry it thoroughly with towels or kitchen roll and then allow to thoroughly air dry, still inflated, before trying to pack it away. If any moisture remains when you deflate and fold it to store it, it will go mouldy.



a deep inflatable pool for sploshing
My Favorite Deep Pool


If you want to throw away the pool


If you used a small pool and a bucket or less of porridge/other mess in total, you may be able to pop it, deflate it, and put it into a bin bag. If you do this, secure the first bin bag and then add another to be sure of no leaking. I often use three bin bags with this method, and with any other messy things that have to be thrown away.


If you use a large inflatable pool and a large amount of mess, you'll need to scoop out and flush everything before trying to bag it, or it will be too heavy. 10 litres is one bucket, and is the equivalent of 10kg. Even if you are strong enough to lift it easily, you risk the bin bag tearing if the contents are too heavy.


I recently wrote an even more in depth guide to pool cleaning with step by step instructions from prep to finish, and my thoughts on wet/dry vacuums and lining the pool with plastic. To read that, go here


Flushing The Leftovers - Or Not...


If you are connected to a normal waste water system you can flush pretty much everything except oil. If you have a septic tank or very oily wam substances to dispose of, please see the separate advice below.


I have never happened upon a loo that can’t handle mess being flushed down it. If any appears to be blocking the loo, use a sink or bath tap to fill a bucket with water and pour the water from a height on top of the blockage… wiggle around a loo brush too, or even your hand if it comes to it.


Flush after each bucket, and make sure you give time for the loo tank to refill before expecting it to flush again. Repeat this as necessary and then check after an hour or two that nothing remains in the bottom of the loo. If you are disposing of very thick gunge, it may be better to only half fill your buckets when scooping out, and mix water into each one so that it becomes runnier and flushes easier.


Septic Tanks


If you have a septic tank or used a lot of oily items in your session you won’t be able to flush leftovers down the loo. Instead you will need to scoop your gloop into a series of bags, and absorbent puppy pads, or wood pellet cat litter. Use as much as it takes to absorb all your leftovers. Triple bag it all with very strong bin bags, securing each layer, and take it all to your local tip, to the general waste area.



Washing Porridge Out Of Clothes


Ideally take or wear the clothes into the shower with you to rinse them off a little and squeeze them out. Be careful with water temperature if any items are dark in colour in case the colour runs. Then wrap them up in a large clean towel or two, or drop them into a clean bucket so they don’t drip on the way to your washing machine. Be mindful of the weight, wet or sploshed clothes are often heavy, so don't overload your machine.


Give them one washing cycle with no laundry liquid, and then another washing cycle or two with the usual amount of laundry liquid and fabric conditioner.





Washing Porridge Out Of Underwear, Lingerie, Tights & Stockings


If you fill cheap tights or stockings with porridge, it's easiest to just throw them away. The washing machine will wash away all the sticky goo, but clean oats will remain trapped in the nylon.


If they were expensive or you really want to save them, rinse them in the shower, turning inside out to get all the oats washed away and then put them in a zip up mesh laundry bag, separate from everything else. It's especially important to keep them separate from bras or anything with clasps or fastenings, as they will get snagged and rip and be difficult to untangle.


You could also keep them separate to hand wash on their own. Bras, teddies, babydoll nighties, basques etc all need their own zip up mesh laundry bags, or like with tights and stockings, keep them separate for thorough hand washing individually.





Cleaning Porridge Off Shoes


You can wash most shoes in the sink with warm soapy water as though you were washing dishes. Some shoes like trainers and flat ballet pumps can instead be put into a zip up mesh laundry bag and washed in the washing machine. To dry shoes, stuff them with newspaper or kitchen paper and leave them somewhere warm, but away from direct heat



Getting Oats Out Of Wigs


For wigs, hand washing is best. Be very gentle and use shampoo twice, rinsing each time. Then liberally soak it with hair conditioner and leave it for at least 30 minutes. Brush it out gently with a wet brush - a wet brush is a great invention and is the name of the brand. It's very gentle and good for head hair too. Rinse thoroughly and wrap it in a towel, then apply pressure to dry it a little, do not rub it. Then keep away from direct heat to dry it, preferably hanging on something rounded to help it keep its shape, like a mannequin head.



Cleaning Porridgey Buckets & tools


Soapy water (cold is fine for porridge) and lots of rinsing is all you need, helping it along with a soft brush or cloth if need be. If any porridge has dried on and is stuck, leave it to soak for ten minutes or so.



Getting Porridge & Splodges Cleaned Off Your Floors


If it’s a carpeted floor, then use a microfibre cloth and a little spray of water or clear antibacterial spray. Make sure you don’t use anything with bleach unless you know the carpet is certified for safe bleach use.


For laminate flooring, lino, tile or stone, microfibre cloths are your friend. Same for any splashes that have got onto a wall or door, or door handles etc.


If any splashes have dried, soak a microfibre cloth or a few sheets of kitchen roll with your cleaning spray and leave it on top of the dried mess for about 30 minutes. When you return it will just wipe away. If anything is still stuck, soak it again and use your stiff brush. On most ‘washing up’ brushes, there is a flat side on the bristly head that can be used to scrape without scratching. Dry the area afterwards.



an arrow pointing to where the scraper is on the scrubbing brush
Brilliant scraper tool on most scrubbing brushes


Conclusion


You can always clean any substance off anything, and you can do it easily. You just need the right kit. With that in mind, I put together a whole page of all items I recommend and use myself in my studio and during personal WAM time. Join me in a more leisurely sploshing life!



Twitter @candycustard


Instagram candycustard__




Me after head dunking in porridge
Me after head dunking in porridge


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1,387 views3 comments

3 Comments


Thank you!! I never thought of flushing mess until I read this!

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azure seale
azure seale
Dec 31, 2022

Actually love the term drain unfucker must use that more

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Candy Custard
Candy Custard
Jan 03, 2023
Replying to

lol yes... always good to find extra humour in a bad situation (blocked drain) wherever possible x

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