Preparing Baked Beans
Baked beans are available in tins and sometimes larger plastic packs called ‘fridge packs’. Though these tend to be quite expensive, they are amazingly convenient. The fridge packs (despite the name) only need refrigeration after opening, so don’t look for them in the chilled goods in the supermarket, you’ll find them amongst the tins and other ambient goods, or on amazon
For the tins, as with all canned items, for safety please decant them into plastic jugs, buckets or bowls. I’ve seen too many people try to retrieve the last beans with their fingers, cutting themselves in the process.
If you don’t have enough jugs and containers, put a spoon inside each tin, or have a few spoons laying around (in case you drop one and it gets lost in your session gloop on the floor!)
Give the tins a good shake before opening to loosen the settled beans, and then use a spoon to get the last bits out of the tin. Give them a 30 second blast in the microwave, or leave them to come to room temperature and give them a good mix. it will give you a better experience and results - more bang for your bean buck.
They don’t have to be warm, but even room temp stuff will feel fairly cold on skin. There’s nothing worse than trying to splosh with the contents of tins freshly delivered by the supermarket in their chilled van. Even if you are purposefully trying to be evil, room temperature is cold enough! (this applies to pretty much every substance)
One or two very cold items in a session can be fine, but if you are using a lot you’ll have a much better time and won't risk having to cut the session short if they are at least room temperature.
For the fridge packs, just open the lid and remove the seal, give them a good stir and let them come to room temperature.
Cleaning Up Baked Beans
Skin
If you are covered in smelly, greasy stuff like beans, it can leave slightly oily orangey tomato stains. It’s best to cover yourself in neat shower gel and rub it in well before getting wet in the shower. I highly recommend using warm water and those plastic loofahs or bath puffs, made of scrunched up plastic mesh for removing any mess from skin, or a soft bristled body brush.
To get rid of the oiliness you’ll need a few passes of this method all over, rinsing off each time and doing it all again.
I also recommend having a mirror within your line of sight in the bathroom so you can visually check for any missed areas. Common areas I used to miss were backs of arms, flanks, backs of legs and ankles. Always check every single crevice of your ears too!
Stench Free Hair
For short haired people
Use lots of strongly scented lemon or tea tree shampoo or both. Shampoo twice, leaving the shampoo on for as long as you can each time to help neutralise any odours and oils of the savoury items. Comb through with conditioner if there were any bits or you just want to be sure.
For longer hair
Covered in savoury goop or anything with bits? Stand under the water and let the water rinse the worst off. Use your hands to run over your head and down the length of your hair to feel where the worst is and encourage it along by gently, very gently, massaging it out. Once the worst is gone, shampoo twice with strongly scented shampoo like lemon or tea tree, or both. You can also use my fave shower gel, original source lemon instead of shampoo at this stage. Shampoo gently though, be careful not to rub it into your hair, just keep smoothing down and gently work it in with fingertips.
While your hair is wet you may not be able to feel all leftover lumps and bits or if it is still oily from savoury items, so it’s best to just presume you do. Proceed with these instructions regardless, even if you can’t feel anything weird. So now, after the initial rinses and shampooing, you need lots of conditioner and a wide toothed comb or a wet brush (specific brand) - don’t try to comb through with a normal comb. Be patient, let conditioner soak into your hair for a while if need be, then methodically use the wide toothed comb starting at the end first and working up to roots. Then rinse the whole lot off and shampoo again, and condition again if needed.
Cleaning Up Messy Items & Objects
Cleaning Baths, Showers & Drains
If you get messy in the bath it may temporarily or even fully block the drain if you don't remove it first. Beans are a pretty bad offender for this. Many things are fine to get washed straight down, like custard, smooth gunge and slube. Other items are water soluble, like syrups and treacle and just need warm water to help them dissolve and vanish. Messysupplies instant slime just needs salt to dissolve it. Beans and other savoury items like spaghetti hoops will need to be emptied out though.
The way I recommend, no matter what the substance is, is to empty as much out as you can and flush it down the loo instead (unless you're on a septic tank system. I have separate advice for that)
To empty the bath you'll need a dustpan or scoop, or just your bare hands, and get everything into buckets. Then see my section below on flushing things down the loo or septic tanks, whatever is applicable to you.
Avoid That Situation...
I recommend using a different area and a pool, a mat with inflatable sides or makeshift mess nest (heavy grade plastic sheets with towels propping up the sides) rather than the bath, as though baths and showers may seem convenient, it then means you have to clean it out first before you can get yourself clean.
If you use a different area, you can get yourself clean, get into some comfy cleaning up clothes and then tackle your messy area.
If the worst happens and you get a blockage, use some drain unfucker. Otherwise known as Mr Muscle 15 or 30 minute unblocker. You can pour it through standing water and leave it, and it will eat through whatever is clogging the drain. I always keep some handy, just in case!
Inflatable Pools
If you want to save the pool
For getting oily, orangey staining savoury stuff cleaned out of pools, a little more washing up liquid than usual may be needed to help get rid of oily residues. Otherwise, my general pool cleaning advice applies. Scoop all the leftovers up into buckets, watering it down if need be, then tip it down the drain or flush down the loo. (unless you have a septic tank - more on that very shortly!)
Then tip a bucket of warm and very soapy water into your pool, and give it a good scrub around with a brush. Now scoop out and tip away or flush the dirty water, and keeping it inflated the whole time, clean the sides of the pool with a few microfibre cloths and a cleaning spray. If there are orangey stains, try applying a little neat thick bleach, leave it to work for ten minutes in a well ventilated place and then rinse well.
Then with the pool still inflated, stand it up against a wall and use the cleaning spray and microfibre cloths all over it. Dry it thoroughly with towels or kitchen roll and then allow to thoroughly air dry, still inflated, before trying to pack it away. If any moisture remains, it will go mouldy.
I recently wrote an even more in depth guide to pool cleaning with step by step instructions from prep to finish, and my thoughts on wet/dry vacuums and lining the pool with plastic. To read that, go here
If you want to throw away the pool
If you used a small pool and a bucket or less of mess in total
You may be able to pop the pool, squash it and put it into a bin bag. If you do this, be mindful of avoiding leaks from the edges as you squash it up. Put it into a bin bag, secure that bin bag and then put it inside another and seal again to be sure of no leaking. I often use three bin bags with this method, and with any other messy things that have to be thrown away.
If you used a large inflatable pool and more than one bucket of mess
For large amounts, you'll need to scoop out and dispose of everything before trying to bag it, or it will be too heavy. 10 litres is one bucket, and is the equivalent of 10kg. Even if you are strong enough to lift it easily, you risk the bin bag tearing if the contents are too heavy. Follow the above advice about scooping everything out before throwing the pool away.
Flushing The Leftovers - Or Not...
If you are connected to a normal waste water system you can flush pretty much everything except oil. If you have a septic tank or very oily wam substances to dispose of, please see the separate advice below.
I have never happened upon a loo that can’t handle mess being flushed down it. If any appears to be blocking the loo, use a sink or bath tap to fill a bucket with water and pour the water from a height on top of the blockage… wiggle around a loo brush too, or even your hand if it comes to it.
Flush after each bucket, and make sure you give time for the loo tank to refill before expecting it to flush again. Repeat this as necessary and then check after an hour or two that nothing remains in the bottom of the loo. If you are disposing of very thick gunge, it may be better to only half fill your buckets when scooping out, and mix water into each one so that it becomes runnier and flushes easier.
Septic Tanks
If you have a septic tank or used a lot of oily items in your session you won’t be able to flush leftovers down the loo. Instead you will need to scoop your gloop into a series of bags, and absorbent puppy pads, or wood pellet cat litter. Use as much as it takes to absorb all your leftovers. Triple bag it all with very strong bin bags, securing each layer, and take it all to your local tip, to the general waste area.
Cleaning Beany Buckets & Tools
As with the other things, give any buckets, bowls and tools a ‘dry’ coating of neat washing up liquid/dish soap and a brushing first, then lots of warm soapy water and lots of rinsing is all you need, helping it along with a soft brush or cloth if need be.
Washing Sploshed Clothes
Ideally, rinse them off in the shower and wring/squeeze them out. Use a drain filter to catch any errant beans. Wrap the mucky clothes up in a large clean towel or drop them into a clean bucket so they don’t drip on the way to your washing machine. Give them three or four full washing cycles, as hot as the fabrics will allow, all with 10% more than the recommended amount of laundry detergent or powder, and then a final wash cycle with a normal amount of detergent and fabric softener.
Using a tumble dryer to dry clothes, or hanging them on a line out in the fresh air helps get rid of odours. You shouldn't have any odours left after a few washes (unless you used dairy as well in your wam session, then see my dairy advice which is different!) but I do have better and fresher results when I do this. Or line dry for the majority of the time and then just give the clothes 30 minutes in the dryer.
Washing Sploshed Underwear, Lingerie, Tights & Stockings
Follow the above laundry advice but put tights and lingerie items in their own zip up mesh laundry bags, separate from each other. It's especially important to keep them separate from bras or anything with clasps or fastenings, as they will get snagged, potentially twist and rip, and be difficult to untangle.
You could also keep them separate to hand wash on their own instead.
Bras, teddies, babydoll nighties, basques etc all need their own zip up mesh laundry bags, or like with tights and stockings, keep them separate for thorough hand washing individually. Due to the oiliness they will need extra detergent and careful attention, and likely several cycles of washing, rinsing and wringing out.
Cleaning Mucky Shoes
Wash them in the sink as though you were washing dishes, but like with your hair and pool, get them covered in dish soap and rub it in well before getting them anywhere near water. Stuff the shoes with newspaper or kitchen paper to dry them, and leave them in a warm room but away from direct heat.
Washing Sploshed Wigs
For wigs, hand washing is best. Be very gentle and use shampoo twice, rinsing each time. Then liberally soak it with hair conditioner and leave it for at least 30 minutes. Brush it out gently with a wet brush - a wet brush is a great invention and is the name of the brand. It's very gentle and good for head hair too. Rinse thoroughly and wrap it in a towel, then apply pressure to dry it a little, do not rub it. Then keep away from direct heat to dry it, preferably hanging on something rounded to help it keep its shape, like a mannequin head.
Getting Beans & Splodges Cleaned Off Your Floors
If it’s carpet, then use a microfibre cloth and a little spray of water or clear antibacterial spray. Make sure you don’t use anything with bleach unless you know the carpet is certified for safe bleach use.
For laminate flooring, lino, tile or stone, microfibre cloths are your friend. Same for any splashes that have got onto a wall or door, or door handles etc.
If any splashes have dried, soak a microfibre cloth or a few sheets of kitchen roll with your cleaning spray and leave it on top of the dried mess for about 30 minutes. When you return it will just wipe away. If anything is still stuck, soak it again and use your stiff brush. On most ‘washing up’ brushes, there is a flat side on the bristly head that can be used to scrape without scratching. Dry the area afterwards.
Conclusion
Armed with all this cleaning advice, go forth and have messy fun with confidence. You can clean it up and leave no trace, even if it's a huge mess!
You can always clean any substance off anything, and you can do it easily. You just need the right kit. With that in mind, I put together a whole page of all items I recommend and use myself in my studio and during personal WAM time. Join me in a more leisurely sploshing life!
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