Updated: Jan 23
Ahh, custard, the sploshing classic and my namesake. It's just so perfect for messy sessions. In this guide I'll show you how to prepare all the different types, and how to clean it all up again leaving none of that gross lingering odour.
Custard, (or I believe the closest thing is pudding in the USA) is available in cartons, tins, as an instant powder, and as a powder that needs mixing, additional ingredients and simmering on the stove. Don't get those last two mixed up!
I've also heard that what we call 'angel delight' can sometimes be called pudding in the USA, but angel delight is a very different kind of dessert, whipped and mousse-like instead of smooth and glossy.
The custard I am referring to is a smooth, shiny sweet sauce in various shades of pale yellow, and it's vanilla flavoured.
Cartons Of Custard
Please allow the cartons to come to room temperature or warm them on a radiator for an hour or so. This results in a more pleasant and pourable experience. Alternatively, decant them into plastic jugs or bowl, give them a 45 to 60 second blast in the microwave and then stir well.
Tins Of Custard
Open and decant them into bowls and jugs and warm them a little as above, same as the carton advice. I’ve seen too many people cut themselves on tins, so please be careful and use plastic containers instead.
Preparing Instant Custard
I use a large washing up bowl, about ten packets of instant custard and 6 ish litres of boiling water. Boil the kettle and store that water aside in jugs or bowls or a bucket, then boil the kettle again
Pour the powder into a dry bowl or bucket and tip in your boiling water and the water you set aside, mixing vigorously with a whisk as you go. See how the texture is at this stage, if it’s too thick add some cold water, about 100ml at a time, mixing thoroughly before adding any more. You don’t want to make it too thin.
If it is thin, add more powder and whisk it in like crazy to avoid lumps.
If it’s too thick and you’re adding water it will look weird and like it's never going to come back together, but it will, just keep going!
Cover with cling film, greaseproof paper or foil touching the surface to stop it getting a skin, and use it about 2 to 4 hours later when cooled. The washing up bowl allows a larger surface area for it to cool down quicker, so if you mix it in a bucket, you might need to allow more cooling time.
Preparing Regular Custard Powder In Bulk
The instructions state that it requires milk, but you can mix according to instructions with water, not milk if you want to save money.
It’s quite labour intensive, requiring a big pot to make a decent amount (about 4 to 6 litres at a time) and a lot of stirring to disperse the powder while it heats up. It takes about 15 minutes for my large 6 litre pot to reach a simmer, and then another minute of simmering for it to fully thicken.
You must stir it the whole time with a plastic or wooden spoon, and use a medium to low heat, making sure you don’t burn or scorch the bottom of the pan
If you mix it with water, you might want to correct the colour and make it more opaque. Simply add a squirt of white poster paint, which is much cheaper than making the whole batch with milk.
Pour each batch you make into a bucket. Cover with cling film, greaseproof paper or foil touching the surface to stop it getting a skin.
For safety, use it about 4 to 6 hours later when cooled. It holds the heat very well for a long time, especially in a deep bucket, so please be very careful to allow enough cooling time. If I am making bulk amounts of custard this way, I do it all the day before and allow it to cool overnight.
Alternatives If You Can't Find Custard
It's just a sweet sauce, so replace it with any white sauce and add sugar or sweetener (if you prefer sweet things!) and a little poster paint or food colouring to get the classic yellow colour
You'll get a better and more stable result with starch based sauces made with a roux of butter and all purpose flour, rather than those made with cornflour, but cornflour/cornstarch versions are ok too (birds custard powder is mostly cornflour)
Here's a basic white sauce recipe, but I have seen this in cartons in wholesalers, and in jars - so hopefully the USA has an equivalent too, ready made and easy to source in bulk
Non dairy custards are great too and have the added benefits of avoiding the dairy smell and being ready made. In the UK the brand I've seen most often is Alpro, and it's indistinguishable from regular custard.
Making Custard From Scratch
Here's a couple of recipes for if you want to do it yourself. The first is UK recipe, but Americans just use a cups/grams etc converter and it will work great
You can always email me for help too if you get stuck on anything - firstname.lastname@example.org
or an American version
I notice the American recipe there is calling it pastry cream - but she seems to be making something more like creme diplomat - both are just a thicker version of custard. Thin it down with more milk or water, and you can easily miss out adding the butter.
Experiment, get a big pot, always keep stirring, use a low heat, be prepared for it to take ages... but the results are great.
Top tip: Use a non dairy milk alternative, or water and white colourings to make it non dairy. Cashew, oat and soy milk work well
Cleaning Up Custard
Sploshing with yogurt, cream, custard or anything containing milk leaves behind that familiar unpleasant smell. I can teach you how to completely remove it, and how to avoid it in the first place!
I used to preach the magic of real lemons, and they absolutely do help, but I found that when storing clothes that smelled fine at first, when going back to them after storing, the dairy smell was there again.
However, after 15 years of sploshing I have finally been able to completely remove it at first go from anything, and lemons are optional. A nice addition but not essential.
I have been able to completely get the smell off my hair and body and totally rescue sploshed clothes many times now with careful washing via the methods listed here. Good luck!
Body, Skin & Hair
You need a few washes all over with original source lemon shower gel, or your own concoction of shower gel mixed with a decent percentage of lemon juice. Use a bath puff or loofah on your body each time.
Check the often forgotten areas like ear crevices, backs of arms, flanks and backs of your legs/ankles. Then do it all again several times, at least three more times.
Yes this is effectively four showers, but if you want to make sure you don’t smell even faintly of dairy then heed my words - you will need several 'passes' like this on your hair too, as mentioned below.
Safety note - Do not use lemon essential oil without a carrier oil like sweet almond, as it will burn your skin. Maria and I still have scars from trying this! Stick to lemon juice or the all time fave, original source lemon.
Get Custard & Dairy Out Of Hair
For short haired people, just use lots of lemon or tea tree shampoo and you'll need three or four washes. Really rub it into the scalp and leave it on for as long as possible while you wash your body. Leave it on for at least a minute each time.
For longer hair
It’s possible to get the dairy smell out of longer hair too. First of all, stand under the water and let the water rinse the worst off. Use your hands to run over your head and down the length of your hair to feel where the worst is and encourage it along by gently squeezing it out.
Once the worst is gone, shampoo three or four times with very strongly scented shampoo like lemon or tea tree. Rub it into your scalp each time and leave it on for at least a minute while you wash your body (four times all over as per the skin advice above)
Cleaning Custardy Items & Objects
Baths & Showers
Try to avoid using your bath or shower for a messy session if possible. It means you have to clean that up before you can get yourself clean, and they can be extra slippery and dangerous. Use a pool, inflatable massage mat or a makeshift messy pool where possible
If you need to clean custard out of the bath, it does usually go down the drain pretty easily. Thin it down with extra water, and swirl and swish in some washing up liquid too.
Afterwards, use an antibacterial spray all over the area, and dry it off with kitchen paper.
Cleaning An Inflatable Massage Sheet
if you have the one pictured above or one similar, scoop out and dispose of any leftovers and then you can leave it inflated and prop it up in your shower to clean it. The lack of bulky high sides means this is just about manageable, and leaving it inflated allows it to stand up and exposes all nook and crannies for thorough cleaning.
Scoop any leftovers out first because it is quite large and floppy and will spill if you try to carry it full of stuff (you might get away with it if you have an extra person to help, but I still wouldn't risk it if it's very full)
Same as with a regular pool, let it dry thoroughly before storage.
Buckets & Tools
To clean the dairy smell off buckets and tools it’s good to let them soak for a while in a bath full of cold water with 60ml biological laundry liquid or powder thoroughly mixed in. Then once they have soaked for at least 30 minutes, you’ll need a hose or tap with good water pressure to blast the clinging areas off, and/or a good stiff washing up brush.
Don’t try to do it with your hand or a flannel, you’ll be there all day! Microfibre cloths are good to get any last bits and help dry them off, but not for the initial washing.
Don’t forget the outside of the buckets, bottoms of buckets and under the rims. It gets really grim if you do.
Custard On Floors
If it’s carpet then use microfibre cloth and a clear antibacterial spray. Make sure you don’t use anything with bleach unless you know the carpet is certified for safe bleach use. For laminate flooring, tile or stone, microfibre cloths are your friend. Same for any splashes that have got onto a wall or door, or door handles etc.
If any splashes have dried, soak a microfibre cloth or a few sheets of kitchen roll with your cleaning spray and leave it on top of the dried mess for about 30 minutes. When you return it will just wipe away. If anything is still stuck, soak it again and use your stiff brush. On most ‘washing up’ brushes, there is a flat side on the bristly head that can be used to scrape without scratching. Dry the area afterwards.
Cleaning Inflatable Pools
If you want to clean and save the pool
Scoop leftovers up into buckets, watering it down and mixing it around to thin it if need be. Then tip it down the drain or flush it down the loo.
Then tip a bucket of warm soapy water into your pool, making sure to use the lemon scented dish soap, or antibacterial dish soap, or biological laundry liquid and give it a good scrub around with a brush.
Now scoop all that out and tip it away or flush the water. Keep the pool inflated the whole time, and clean the sides of the pool with a few microfibre cloths, a soft brush and a cleaning spray. Then with it still inflated, stand it up against a wall and use the cleaning spray and cloths all over it.
Dry the pool thoroughly with towels and kitchen roll and then allow to thoroughly air dry, still inflated, before trying to pack it away. If any moisture remains when you deflate and fold it to store it, it will go mouldy.
I recently wrote an even more in depth guide to pool cleaning with step by step instructions from prep to finish, and my thoughts on wet/dry vacuums and lining the pool with plastic. To read that, go here
Recommended tools include a squeegee and dustpan, a scrub daddy or scrubbing brush, microfibre cloths and kitchen paper. You can find a few of those here
If you want to throw away the pool
If you used a small pool and a bucket or less of mess in total, you may be able to simply pop it and put it into a bin bag. If you do this, secure the first bin bag and then add another to be sure of no leaking. I often use three bin bags with this method, and with any other messy things that have to be thrown away.
If you used a large inflatable pool and a large amount of mess, you'll need to scoop out and flush everything before trying to bag it, or it will be too heavy. 10 litres is one bucket, and is the equivalent of 10kg. Even if you are strong enough to lift it easily, you risk the bin bag tearing if the contents are too heavy.
Flushing The Leftovers
If you are connected to a normal waste water system You can flush pretty much everything except oil. If you have a septic tank, please see the separate advice.
I have never happened upon a loo that can’t handle mess being flushed down it. If any appears to be blocking the loo, use a sink or bath tap to fill a bucket with water and pour the water from a height on top of the blockage… wiggle around a loo brush too, or even your hand if it comes to it.
Flush after each bucket, and make sure you give time for the loo tank to refill before expecting it to flush again.
Repeat this as necessary and then check after an hour or two that nothing remains in the bottom of the loo. If you are disposing of very thick gunge, it may be better to only half fill your buckets, and mix water into each one so that it becomes runnier and flushes easier.
If you have a septic tank, you won’t be able to flush leftovers down the loo. Instead you will need a series of bags, and absorbent puppy pads, or wood pellet cat litter, as much as it takes to absorb all your leftovers. Triple bag it all with very strong bin bags, securing each layer, and take it all to your local tip, to the general waste area.
Custardy Clothes - Permanently Get Rid Of The Dairy Stank
You may be happy throwing everything away, or indeed need to throw everything away. If you are throwing anything away, triple bag it, securing it tightly with each layer. Just trust me on that one.
If you want to save clothes, then immediately after your session, soak them for 24 hours in a bucket with a capful of biological laundry liquid or powder. Cold water is fine.
Pro tip: Get the bucket ready while preparing your session. Then you can just drop the clothes in as they come off.
It helps even more if you rinse the clothes off in the bath or shower first, then squeeze them out well (make sure the water isn’t too hot to stop colour running) and drop them into your prepared soaking bucket. Do bear in mind that sploshed/wet clothes are heavy. Consider splitting it all into two or more loads so you don’t overload your machine.
After the essential soaking, give the clothes at least two 40c washes (hotter if you can if you are confident the colours won’t run) with biological powder or laundry liquid each time, and 50ml lemon juice added to the drawer with the laundry liquid.
On the last washing cycle, also add the usual amount of fabric conditioner.
The biological laundry detergent is an essential part of these instructions, as it breaks down the compounds that cause the smell. It does need time to do this fully though, hence the soaking for 24 hours first. It won’t work without the biological detergent or the soaking.
Wash towels separately at 60c, and soak them first too with biological laundry stuff if any dairy got on them.
Washing Custardy Underwear, Lingerie, Tights & Stockings
Follow the above advice for clothes, and give them a 24 hour cold water soak with biological laundry detergent added to the water and thoroughly mixed.
Then it’s time for some special treatment. Put tights and lingerie items in their own zip up mesh laundry bags, separate from each other. It's especially important to keep them separate from bras or anything with clasps or fastenings, as they will get snagged, rip and be difficult to untangle.
You could also keep them separate to hand wash on their own, but be sure to follow the above advice about the soaking stage and the biological laundry detergent.
Bras, teddies, babydoll nighties, basques etc all need their own zip up mesh laundry bags, or like with tights and stockings, keep them separate for thorough hand washing individually.
With custard, cream, yoghurt or anything dairy, shoes will need the 24 hour soak in biological laundry detergent first too - then you can wash most shoes in the sink with warm soapy water as though you were washing dishes.
Some shoes like trainers and flat ballet pumps can instead be put into a zip up mesh laundry bag and washed in the washing machine. To dry shoes, stuff them with newspaper or kitchen paper and leave them somewhere warm, but away from direct heat.
Do the 24 hour soak with wigs too. After soaking, hand washing is best. Be very gentle and use shampoo twice, rinsing each time. Then liberally soak it with hair conditioner and leave it for at least 30 minutes. Brush it out gently with a wet brush, the best thing I've found for wigs so far.
Rinse thoroughly and wrap it in a towel, then apply pressure to dry it a little, but do not rub it.
Then keep away from direct heat to dry it, preferably hanging on something rounded to help it keep its shape, like a mannequin head.
If you want to avoid dairy odours completely, there really is one simple trick, and a few other options:
Vegan replacements. Alpro soya custard, vegan squirty cream, soy or oat yogurt, vegan trifles, cheesecakes, ‘milk’ shakes, cakes and ice cream are all available.
Or you could try using gunge/slime, mud, slube, porridge or ready brek (mixed up with water) melted chocolate spread, or cake batter.
Items sploshed with these things will still need fairly careful washing, but you’ll be able to skip the 24 hours soaking step.
Oh, and if you’re going to use cake batter or a roux based sauce as an alternative, check out my advice about floury products first!
Who Am I?
And why do I know stuff?
Well, I'm a UK based WAM producer and sometimes model with 15 years experience. For over 10 of those years I hosted a bonkers amount of wam sessions (3 or 4 a week) and I consider myself very lucky to have been able to do so... however I had to get very good at cleaning up quickly in the fairly small window of privacy I would get, and I had to leave no trace due to living in rented accommodation.
I also had to get inventive with substances and alternatives. I think all my trial and error experiments with WAM now mean there is literally nothing I haven't personally tried and in turn, there's nothing I haven't cleaned up either.
I love when other people go for it and enjoy getting messy, especially if it's because of something I did or said to encourage them. So if you're looking for a sign, this is it.. and with all my articles, I hope to give you the confidence to make your sessions bigger and messier and with a bonus of inner peace, knowing you can easily clean it all up too.
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